A History of Us: a play

And the moral of the story is: never let animals perform in your play!

Mr. Finnigan was going to a play. It was called "A History of Us". The playwright said they were making history in theater. This was because there were animals performing in this play. Young animals, ages 4 to 12! There was only one human in the entire play. The mayor, Wally the Wolf, was also performing in the play.

When Mr. Finnigan arrived at the playhouse, he saw signs saying "Making history! A History of Us: a play". Mr. Finnigan had decided to come to see this play because he liked history. He hadn't heard exactly what the play was about, but he was curious to find out.

When the play started, the set was a long piece of cardboard, cut out to look like the waves of the sea. Emo the Ostrich, dressed up as Eostopher Olumbus, was looking through a cardboard telescope. Henry the Hippo, Elli the Elephant, and Gigi the Giraffe were all dressed as the crew on the Santa Maria. It was clear that behind the waves all of the actors had their legs underneath a cardboard ship. They all walked together onto the set. They crossed the set, then returned backstage.

The lights went dark.

When they lit up again, Mr. Finnigan could see Fiona the Fox dressed as Queen Fizzabella, the Queen of Spain. In front of her were Wally the Wolf and Jefe the Manager, dressed as palace guards. Eostopher Olumbus entered the room. Behind him were the crew of the Santa Maria. Queen Fizzabella addressed Eostopher. "Hello, thank you for coming. I understand that you intend to travel to India by sailing west?"

"Yes", said Eostopher. "The distance between India and Spain when you are sailing west is roughly 19,884 miles. However, the distance between Spain and North America, where Eostopher Olumbus ended up going, is approximately 3,604 miles."

Queen Fizzabella was visibly frustrated and annoyed that Emo had broken character and spoiled the whole play (again, just like in rehearsals). Mr. Finnigan saw the theater go dark before the next scene began. It showed Eostopher, Henry, Elli, and Gigi back in the cardboard ship, behind the cardboard-cutout-waves. It was basically the same scene from before. Once that scene ended and the theater went dark, Mr. Finnigan heard Fiona yelling at Emo. "Why do you spoil it every single time?".

"What does the word 'spoil' mean?" asked Emo. "Could you kindly elucidate the semantic content and connotations associated with this term? I seek to comprehend its varied implications and potential uses within the English lexicon."

There was silence.

In the next scene, Gigi, Eostopher, Henry, and Elli arrived in North America. Clem the Chameleon was picking Edelweiss off of a tree and Dolly the Deer was fishing. But the moment that Dolly saw a gigantic crowd of people staring at her (especially Mr. Finnigan), she jumped off the stage and ran out of the theater! Right after Dolly ran out of the theater, Clem got bored and blended into the set. The audience reacted like it was a magic show!

Penny the Porcupine then walked on stage, dressed in her school clothes, holding a permission slip from her mother. "I'm here for the field trip!", she screamed.

Fiona sighed loudly from offstage. "Get back here, Penny, this isn't a field trip!", she stage whispered.

"Ugh," said Penny, "when are we going to get to go on a field trip?!?"

While all of this was going on, Henry had eaten all of the Edelweiss on the stage. He started to look a bit green, and then threw up on Clem. A lot. Clem was understandably very upset, and started running in circles around the stage. The crowd was both appalled and amazed, as Clem looked like a green ghost who was waving his arms around the set.

Gigi tried to help clean up the vomit that was all over the stage at this point. But there was so much of it that Gigi slipped and starting swimming around in it more than cleaning.

Elli, thinking quickly, filled her trunk with water (which elephants do in the wild) and sprayed it on the stage in an effort to help clean up the Henry's vomit. This only made things worse, as being so forgetful, she directed her trunk at the audience instead of the floor. The folks in the first few rows got drenched.

Fiona ran to the audience with towels, with a hoof over her eyes in shame and shaking her head in disgust. Many of them were already heading for the exits.

All of the actors who had not thrown up, swam in vomit, turned invisible, or sprayed the audience with water were slipping around on the vomit soaked stage like they were ice skating. The audience members who had not left assumed this was all still part of this (really weird and historic) magic show!

“Okay, okay!” Yelled Fiona. “Sorry about all this, everyone! But I think you all know Eostopher basically arrived in America, so we can continue.” The stage went dark once more. Then there were sounds of people scrubbing the stage. When the theater turned light again, Emo suddenly looked scared. “This is my first time acting!” She yelled. “I’m gonna get eaten by a eagle like the managers son!” She started running around and waving her arms in the air. “What?” Said the manager, running from backstage. “My son is in the audience-look!” Everyone looked at the managers son, who was frowning up at the stage. “THE MANAGERS SON CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD!” Screamed Emo.

“The only ghost here is that green one, see?” Replied someone in the audience, because Clem was still invisible and covered in vomit. “Clem’s not a-oh, never mind!” Fiona muttered from backstage, but Clem was waving his arms in the air and screaming “I died and came back from the dead! When did I die? People, do you know when I died?!” He and Emo bumped into each other. “Ahhh! A ghost bumped into me!” Emo screamed at the same time Clem screamed “Ahhh! The ghost of Eostopher Olumbus bumped into me!” Then the people in the audience that were still there got confused.

“I thought the Eostopher Olumbus guy was an actor!” Someone yelled. “Two ghosts in one place during one performance? How’d that happen?” Screamed another. “This shouldn’t be called a playhouse, it should be called a ghosthouse!” Announced a third person. “The Ghosthouse really is a good name for a theater that only does performances about supernatural beings,” remarked another. “You’re wrong!” Exclaimed someone else. “There are three ghosts: the weird green one, Eostopher Olumbus, and the managers son!” Fiona ran from backstage. “This place isn’t called the Ghosthouse!” She screamed. “Never mind what it’s called, though-the owners didn’t tell us. Anyways, I know this is probably very hard to follow, so here’s what just happened: Eostopher arrived in America. Now let the show go on, and please remember your lines this time!”

The stage went dark.

“Okay, Emo,” Mr. Finnigan heard Fiona say. “You are Eostopher Olumbus, not a five-year-old ostrich. Don’t talk about air travel, or outer space, or George Washington, or pineapple ice cream. Got it?” Emo nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “I like freshly-cut-grass-sandwiches better anyway!”

There was silence.

Then the stage lit up again, and Emo, with a huge grin on her face started yelling “Hi! I’m Eostopher Olumbus, not a five year old ostrich, and here to NOT talk about air travel, outer space, George Washington, or pineapple ice cream! I actually hate pineapple ice cream! It tastes too much like pineapple, and it’s way too cold!” Then she hopped backstage, and Titi said quietly “Hi. You’ve never been here before; this isn’t India, thank you very much.” Penny jumped out from behind her. “Yeah!” She screamed. Titi jumped back in fright and landed in front of the stage. “Ooh! There goes our leader!” She said peering down at Titi. “Hey, can we have a field trip now?” Fiona ran from offstage, sighing. “No, Penny!” She yelled. Then she looked down at Titi. “You okay?” She asked. Titi nodded. “Yeah,” she muttered.

Emo smiled and said: This IS India, though, right Gigi?” Gigi nodded. Then Elli said: “Hey, I forget what happens next. Do any of you remember?” “I do,” answered someone in the audience. “Eostopher goes back to Spain and tells everyone the world is round!” Elli, Gigi, and Emo nodded. “Okey dokey,” Emo replied. “C’mon, let’s go back to Spain and tell everyone the world is round!”

The stage went dark.

When it lit up, Emo was telling Queen Fizzabella about ‘India’. Wally and The Manager were once again dressed as guards, but Wally was reading a book of chicken recipes, and The Manager was examining rocks and writing stuff down on a note pad. Gigi, Elli, and Henry (with a mask on his face) were standing behind her. Meanwhile, outside the theater, the guests who had fled from the show found a sloppily made buffet (which Emo had made in their “honor”). Guests who were brave enough to try this mix of dirt, grass, and ketchup found it to be seriously contaminated with mildew. Rachel the rabbit was there selling gift bags, for what seemed no apparent reason, until she yelled “Souvenirs! Place your souvenir vomit RIGHT in this bag!”

Back in the theater, Emo was veering off track to every single thing about zoology, astronomy, geography, law, geometry, and physics she knew. “Uh, Eostopher…” Queen Fizzabella said. “EMO!” Emo took no notice. "and Pluto is commonly referred to as a 'dwarf planet'....." she said. "EMO-I mean, Captain Olumbus-what in the world is Pluto? Earth, it is the only planet EVER!" A couple people in the crowd booed. "She was helping me study for my astronomy quiz!" someone cried. "Next scene!" Fiona said quickly. "If you've been following, you know Eostopher came home, O.K.? And now we are years-most likely decades, maybe even centuries-in the future, and the FSA (Forest States of America, in case you don't know) is part....of....Fritain!" Fiona ran offstage, and The Manager took the stage, dressed like King George, and said:

"Ahh, I'm the ruler of Fritain AND the FS! And then this guy George Wallyington-who happens to share a first name with me-comes up to me and says:" Wally the Wolf walked up to King George, dressed like George Washington, and said: "Hi, I'm George Wallyington no, General Wallyington as I DECLARE WAR ON YOU!" King George's eyes widened. "You’re joking!" He yelled. "I don't believe it!" General Wallyington pulled out a rubber sword. "Nope!" he said, grinning. "I'd NEVER, O.K.?"

The stage went dark.

"Boo!" General Wallyington said. "the war isn't going good for the Minute Men!" Then Fiona walked onto the set. "Pleasure to meet you, um…Wall-y-Bally-ton?” she said. "you know the spy ring you created-the Culper Ring? Well, I could join-I live in New York, and I could talk to some redcoat officers-if you'd like." General Wallyington nodded. "O.K.," He said.

And then the theater went dark.

Emo, dressed as Francis Scott Key, was standing on top of a card board bow of a ship. "Gosh, look at the redcoats fighting the Minute Men! This is better than TV and Broadway shows!" Francis said. "TV and Broadway aren't invented yet!" Fiona stage whispered. "Get back here!" "Okay," Francis replied, and shrugged. “I saw a Broadway show once that was really weird about… I Forgot.”

The stage went dark.

“Hey, Francis guy?” Penny was saying to Francis. “If watching war battles is better than TV or Broadway, then can we have a field trip there? We could learn about Whatever’s Going On Right Now.” Francis nodded cheerfully. “Why not? A lot of TV shows make absolutely no sense, right?” He said. “Penny! Emo! Get back here! No whatever-you’re-doing-onstage-ing!”

The stage went dark.

When it lit up, the set had the blue-crayon-covered piece of cardboard was in the middle of the set, and General Wallyington was holding a book saying ‘Absolutely everything George Wallyington ever did so if you’re acting him out for a play you don’t have to worry’ on the cover. “George Wallyington crossed the Delaware,” he read aloud, “in the battle of-” Gigi ran next to him and started screaming at the audience. “TENDON! The battle of Tendon!” Emo ran from backstage. “Are we fighting an illness?” She asked. “I have ideas: tuberculosis, septic shock, and lung cancer!” “We aren’t fighting an illness, Emo-get back here!” Fiona stage whispered. Emo sighed. “Awww,’’ she said. General Wallyington pulled the cardboard boat that Emo, Gigi, Henry, and Elli had used from behind a very-much-not-hidden curtain. “Let’s sail the Delaware, people!” He screamed. Gigi, Henry, Elli, and General Wallyington got into the cardboard boat and ran around behind the cardboard waves while occasionally shooting water at the audience out of water guns.

This caused a bunch more people to leave the theater.

“Ahh! The Minute Men are sailing around the Delaware and, umm…” screamed Penny. “If the Minute Men win the American Revolution, can we have a field trip tomorrow?” Fiona grunted from offstage. “NO FIELD TRIPS!” She stage whispered. “Get. Back. Here!!” Penny sighed. “Ugh,” she said.

Titi (with a bruise on her shell), Clem (still looking green-ish), and Dolly (covered with grass and pine needles) started shooting their own water guns, and then the cardboard waves grew soaked and flopped on the ground.

“Act three! Act three!” Fiona said quickly. “Happy Civil War, everybody!”

Then, she ran backstage.

“Hi! I’m Arriet Ubman! How are you today?” Asked Emo, dressed as Arriet Ubman the ostrich. “Booyah! Master Guy, I’m running away! Nah-nah-nah-boo-boo on you, Master Guy!” The Manager, dressed as Master Guy, looked surprised, and then Harriet ran away.

Then the stage went dark.

Arriet was hiding behind a cardboard tree, a huge grin on her face. “Wow, General Lee! Cool! Since I’ve escaped, I don’t have to pretend he’s not there, and since I don’t like him, I’m gonna join the UNION!” Wally the Wolf, dressed like General Lee, was talking to Master Guy and took no notice in Arriet.

Then the stage went dark.

“Excuse me, Fulysses F. Frant?” Yelled Emo. “Can I please join your army? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? HUH?” Fiona, dressed as Fulysses F. Frant, sighed. “Sure, Arriet. Sure, sure.” She said.

“Arriet Ubman didn’t know her own birthday-” began Arriet, but Fulysses F. Frant cut her off. “Okay, now you’re a spy! Yay! Okay, goodbye.” She said. “Goodbye uh…Foo-lee-Seuss!”

“It’s Fulysses,” Fulysses F. Frant said, but-

The stage went dark.

“Hear yee! Hear yee! This is Paberham Pincoln, with the uh…En-man-kee-pay-tan Proclamation!” Yelled Clem. Penny walked onstage, and said: “Hi! I just signed the Emancipation Proclamation, which means we can take a MILLION FIELD TRIPS, and field trips rule, and-” Fiona ran onstage. “Excuse me, Penny?” She said. “Your lines are ‘Hi! I just signed the Emancipation Proclamation, which means slavery is illegal, and slavery is bad,’ not ‘Hi! I just signed the Emancipation Proclamations, which means we can take a million field trips, and field trips rule,’. Why’d you change them?” Paberham looked guilty. “Fine,” she said. “The Emancipation Proclamation says that slavery isn’t allowed in the FS, but it SHOULD say that field trips are better than anything else in existence, and-”

“Penny.” Fiona said. “Ugh, fine!” Penny grunted. General Lee walked onstage, and said: “Only the FS, though, right? I mean, you can’t boss other countries around! And, guess what? Us confederates are forming the Confederate States Of America, and WE’LL HAVE SLAVERY THERE!”

And then the stage went dark.

“Soldier Titi! Get here!” Screamed Fulysses into a walkie-talkie. Titi, dressed as soldier Titi, ran onstage with a water gun.

A couple of audience members ducked.

“Soldier Henry! Get here!” Screamed General Lee into a walkie-talkie. Henry (looking sort of sick), dressed as soldier Henry, ran onstage with a water gun.

More audience members ducked.

Elli, dressed as War Referee lV, walked onstage. “On your marks, get set, go!” She screamed. “Wait a second!” Fiona said. “War doesn’t have r-”

Soldier Titi and Soldier Henry charged each other.

The audience got drenched.

Most of the audience members left.

Backstage, Emo accidentally pulled the fire alarm.

Everyone else left.

The stage went dark.