Woby Wick, by Charles Chickens

A story about chickens, sperm whales, and bad communication

Prologue

Once there was chicken sailor, named Chahab. He was sailing in the lake near Mr. Finnigan's lakehouse. He was hunting sperm whales. Not many people knew that there were whales in the lake. But Chahab's family had been hunting these waters for generations.

Suddenly, and very unexpectedly, an enormous sperm whale leapt out of the water, landed on the boat, and bit off Chahab's leg!

Before the whale returned to water, Chahab, squinting through his pain, saw that the whale was wearing a name tag: "Woby Wick".

Act 1

"Call me Woby Wick".

Two years have passed since I bit of Chahab's leg. He's been hunting me ever since. But I can go deep down to the bottom of the lake. Deeper than anyone knows I can go. And don't call me a criminal! All I did was come up for air, and it was an accident when I bit off his leg. Remember, he was hunting me. And his family has been hunting my kind for generations. I was merely minding my own business, trying to live at peace.

These days, the Charlies use us whales for more things than ever. Which means they hunt us more and more. More than ever. I hear they make crayons out of us! And lightbulbs and post-it-notes too!

And also, for some reason I'll never understand, they've been recording themselves say "balk balk balk balk", and then playing the recording underwater in the lake. It's very annoying!

And sometimes they even use the lake as a landfill. This is our home! The Charlies must be stopped.

Since Chahab leads the whale-hunting parties, me and my comrades have vowed to get the rest of his body that I left behind. Long live the sperm whales of Lakehouse Lake!

Act 2

"Call me Chahab".

I hunt the sperm whale Moby Wick. The sperm whale hunters are the good guys! I'm pretty sure that the whales don't know that "balk balk balk balk" means "the sperm whale hunters are the good guys, the sperm whales are the bad guys". But it's true.

Anyway, one time they sent up their own recording. It sounded like a really loud whistle, then a quiet whistle, then another loud whistle, and then a quiet whistle. Thankfully there was post-it note attached to the recording, because none of us Charlies know how to speak whale. The post-it note said, "The sperm whales are the good guys, and the sperm whale hunters are the bad guys". But that's just wrong!

Act 3

"Call me Woby Wick"

Well, our recording was much more fair than theirs. We told them what it meant! I don't know what their's meant, but I'm willing to whistle back "whistle whistle whistle whistle whistle", or in other words "tell us what your balking meant, or else we will bite of all your legs!" And we're not going to tell them that's what it means!

And anyway, the last recording we did after **whistle **whistle whistle whistle was whistle whistle whistle, which means "you sperm whales hunters are the worst chickens we have ever met. Not that we've met many chickens, obviously. But you are still the worst".

And we didn't tell them what that meant either.

Act 4

"Call me Chahab"

Well the sperm whales have sent us two new recordings. We received them this morning. They are just a bunch of whistles. What do the sperm whales think we're going to do with this? Are they making a peace offering? Are they threatening war? How is a chicken supposed to know? Nobody thought to bring a sperm-whale-to-chicken dictionary along for this trip.

Nobody expected to be having an extended conversation with the sperm whales via audio recordings. We thought we would have captured them by now.

If I had to guess, I'd say that the first recording was a threat. There was something very ominous in the tone of those whistles that didn't necessarily come through the first time I listened. But now it seems clear. The second recording sounded like teasing somehow? There was a sharp tone to it, but without as much of a threat of violence. But again, I have to admit, I am a chicken, and the recording is just a bunch of whistles.

Act 5

"Call my Woby Wick"

Well, it appears the chickens have gotten back to us. This time they send a cacophony of balks, truly indecipherable. It sounded something like "baaaaalk **balk ***balk, *baaaalk balk balk" The extended tone beginning each phrase is a new one for us. And no, of course they didn't tell us what it meant.

I think they are signaling that they want to negotiate. Not all of us agree, of course. And there are some who are growing tired of this back and forth, and are advocating that we attack at dawn.

There's also the issue that we're about to run out of blank tapes for our recordings. We had not stockpiled sufficiently.

It was decided that we'd send back one last recording. A simple whistle *whistle *should make it clear that we mean business. It means "we mean business, dude".

Act 6

"Call me Chahab"

A short message this morning. Just two whistles. Still no idea what they're saying, but I for one think it's clear that they are just playing around with us now. I grow weary of this back and forth. I have half a mind to plan a surprise attack.

Before we got this last recording, we had sent one that meant "we chickens will never negotiate with sperm whales". And now they send us only two whistles? I thank chod I'm not a sperm whale.

Act 7

"Call me Woby Wick"

On a triumphant morning like this, we must thank wod for our good fortune. This morning we launched a surprise attack against the chicken's fleet. I take no joy in the pain and suffering that was caused, but I am proud to be a sperm whale and feel no remorse. We provided ample warning and made our intensions quite clear.

At dawn, we converged on the fleet from all directions. The chickens were unprepared. And it was a quick and decisive battle. I leapt from the water, just as I had done years ago, landing on the stern of the boat right in front of Chahab. And I bit off his other leg. Whistle whistle whistle, whiiiistle! I'm sure you understand what I mean.

Epilogue

"Call me Chahab"

Well, Woby Wick has bitten off my other leg. Now I have two wooden legs, and life is only harder for. But I vow, I will never stop hunting Woby Wick. For now, we head back to Mr. Finnigan's chicken coop. He'll certainly be wondering where we've gone. While I re-coop-erate and we rebuild our supplies, it's crucial that we study sperm whale whistle language. I wonder if Woby Wick will be studying chicken balk language too?