Wally Runs for Mayor Again
Negative campaigning doesn’t work
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DO YOU REALLY WANT ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE TO BE YOUR MAYOR? HE’S A PREDATOR AND POOPS IN TREES.
We need to free the chickens!
Vote Wally For Mayor, the Candidate you can Trust
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~~~~ Forest animal primary, first debate ~~~~~
PENNY THE PORCUPINE: Hi, this is Penny coming to you live from the first debate of the forest animal primary campaign of the Forest Mayoral election. I’m here to moderate this debate for extra credit, so my class can finally go on a field trip!
We have on the stage with us the incumbent mayor, Wally the Wolf. And the challenger, Zohran Mamhootie the Owl.
First question, if you are elected mayor, will you visit Mr. Finnigan’s lake house?
WALLY: When I am elected Mayor, Mr. Finnigan’s house will be the first place I visit. It is important to our forest that the chickens are allowed to roam freely outside of their chicken coop, and stuff.
PENNY: Thank you Wally. Now to you, Zohran, will you visit the chicken coop?
ZOHRAN: (sipping from a coffee mug, with the words ‘free cub care’). My campaign is focused on affordability in the forest. We will introduce free cub care, forest run fruit trees, and free and fast forest paths.
PENNY: But do you support the chickens’ right to roam freely outside their coop?
WALLY: He won’t say it.
ZOHRAN: I support the rights of all animals to live in their homes.
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~~~~ the next day’s newspaper
Article By Benny the Bear
Well, this is probably the weirdest election the Lakehouse Forest has ever seen-I mean, since the last one. C’mon, there were about two million chickens voting! Even more chickens than the people. I, personally, didn’t know that Mr. Finnigan had so many. Is that guy adopting or do his chickens just make babies really fast? Anyways, enough about that last election. It was sooooo four years ago. This one is CRAZY! It’s Wally the Wolf V.S. Zohran Mamhootie the Owl, in case you didn’t know. By the way, have any of you guys noticed that Zohran Mamhootie is a really weird name for an owl? Shouldn’t it be, I dunno, Olly or Olivia or Oliver or even Ohran Omhootie? Just sayn’. Zohran has focused his campaign on affordability and stuff. It actually sound pretty good. But we all trust Wally, don’t we? (Okay, the chickens don’t, and they make up about half of our population, but still.) and here’s what Wally says:
ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE IS A LYING CHEATER WHO DOESN’T SUPPORT CHICKEN RIGHTS BECAUSE HE EATS THEM FOR BREAKFAST AND HE HAS BAD BREATH ALSO AND HE IS A BIG MEANIE! VOTE WALLY THE WOLF!
In other election news, today I got the chance to speak with Zohran Mamhootie. “Zohran,” I ask him, “why don’t you think chickens should have the right to leave the coop?”
Zohran laughs and tells me the chickens are fine. For proof, he takes me to the chicken coop where he asks one if it likes living in the coop. (For the record, the chicken’s name was Charlie.) The chicken says the coop is awesome. Zohran shakes his head. “Clearly, Wally the Wolf is going off about nothing at all.”
Which clearly means….
ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE BRAINWASHES CHICKENS AND STUFF!
Wally smiled as he read that morning’s newspaper. His campaign was going beautifully. Duh, because he was awesome at politics! Zohran Mamhootie was definitely going to lose. Everybody except the chickens trusted Wally. Especially because of the fact that he was running against a predator. That was great for campaign stuff.
But then Wally heard knocking at his door. After taking one last sip of coffee, he went to went to see who it was. It was Fiona the Fox. “Hi, Wally!” She said cheerfully. “Please vote for Zohran Mamhootie! He is awesome. If he is chosen for mayor, he will introduce UNIVERSAL FREE CUB CARE!”
Wally stared at Fiona. “Fiona,” he said, “I’m literally running against Zohran Mamhootie! There’s absolutely no way I would vote for him!”
“Oops!” She said, just as cheerful as before. “My mistake! I’ll go to Benny’s house instead. Goodbye, Wally! Hope you had a good breakfast!”
Wally shook his head as he finished reading his newspaper. The things kids come up with!
THE NEXT DAYS NEWSPAPER
Article By Benny the Bear
Folks, it’s really hard to believe that this is only the Forest Animal Primary. Zohran Mamhootie has sent a bunch of kids to be total nuisances about voting for him! I myself was interrupted in the middle of a nap after spending six straight hours a looking for garbage for that night’s dinner. Don’t get me wrong, I totally support taking a stand for what you believe in, but if the sign on the door says DO NOT DISTURB, y’ know, do not disturb. Anyways, enough about me. The deadline to vote is in only a week. And before you make your final decision, just hear me out-
VOTE WALLY THE WOLF NOT ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE BECAUSE ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE STEALS YOUR SLEEP BY SENDING ARMIES OF CHILDREN TO WAKE YOU UP IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR NAP TIME!!!
And remember: only Forest Animals can vote in the Forest Animal Primary.
Wally yawned as he sipped his coffee. The newspapers were clearly in his favor. Or maybe that was just Benny. As mayor, Wally knew it was his duty to only read the politics section.
What a shame that he was going to win. It would be nice to read about other things for once.
Forest Animal Primary, Second Debate
PENNY THE PORCUPINE: Hi, everybody, this is Penny the Porcupine, back for more extra credit. So my first question is for Zohran Mamhootie. Why isn’t your name Ohran Omhootie?
ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE: Is that relevant at all to this debate?
PENNY: Just answer the question.
ZOHRAN: Because it just isn’t.
PENNY: Okay, I’ll except that. Now, for Wally the Wolf, why would anybody not want to vote for you?
WALLY THE WOLF: There is absolutely no way I’m going to answer that.
PENNY: Fair enough. Okay, Zohran, what do you feel like about crime in the lakehouse forest?
ZOHRAN: There isn’t too much. I’m thinking of maybe defunding the police a bit, actually, to save money-
WALLY: Did you hear that? You guys all heard that, right? Right?
PENNY: Yes, we did, Wally. Anyway, my next question is-
WALLY: VOTE ME, WALLY THE WOLF AND NOT ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE BECAUSE ZOHRAN IS GONNA DEFUND THE POLICE! VOTE ME! VOTE ME!
PENNY: Okay, debate’s over…
THE NEXT DAYS NEWSPAPER
Article By Benny the Bear
Well, it’s pretty clear who to vote for in the Forest Animal Primary right now. According to the latest mayoral debate, Zohran Mamhootie is going to defund the police! However, I personally believe it having multiple points of view, so today I interviewed Zohran Mamhootie again.
My first question for Zohran is why he wants to defund the police.
“The crime isn’t too bad in the lakehouse,” Zohran explains. “The tax money spent on funding the lakehouse forest could have many other uses. It really wouldn’t be that bad, trust me.”
Needless to say, I don’t believe him. But I decide to let the matter rest.
“What about taxes?” I say. “If you want to defund the police, why don’t you lower taxes because of the fact that you’re spending less money on the police?”
“No, I believe that the taxes can stay as they are. The money previously used to fund the police can be used to fund-”
“I think that my work here is done.” I stand up and walk away from Zohran, knowing something that I’m sure you all have gathered by now:
ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE WIL RAISE OUR TAXES BY THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS!
Wally seriously couldn’t believe that Benny ran the politics section of the newspaper, but Wally was very glad he did. It was seriously helping his campaign.
Although after he won the mayoral election, he was definitely going to try to replace Benny. Possibly with himself. That would be nice. But for now, all he had to do was give his speeches and do his debates and he would win. Easily.
Wally leaned back in his chair, already imagining what would happen in the third and final Forest Animal Primary Debate already…
Forest Animal Primary, Third Debate
PENNY THE PORCUPINE: This is the final debate of the Forest Animal Primary, which will hopefully NOT be interrupted again so that I can finally finish asking my long list of questions. First of all, to Wally the Wolf. What is one thing you plan to do if you become mayor?
WALLY THE WOLF: That doesn’t matter that much, really, but I can tell you something else. DO NOT VOTE FOR ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE! I can give you about fifty-seven reasons why you shouldn’t. Number One: Zohran is going to defund the police. Number Two-
PENNY: I was asking about you, not Zohran. Can you answer my question??!!
WALLY: Yeah, yeah, sure. Number Two-
PENNY: Whatever. Zohran, what is one reason someone would vote for you?
ZOHRAN MAMHOOTIE: Universal free cub care, plus I’m awesome.
PENNY: Okay then. That’s much better.
WALLY: Peace out, bruh!
PENNY: Wally, you need to stay for the rest of the debate!
THAT DAY’S NEWSPAPER
Article By Benny the Bear
The results of who will win come out tomorrow. That’s not too long. I know that I run the politic section of this newspaper, so I can’t be biased, but I just want to confess, I voted for Wally. And I hope you did too. That’s pretty much all there is to say in this strangely personal article.